fire emojis, or a lack thereof

Oh, hey Bryce

I knew what I was getting into, I swear. I saw the pack and blaster box breaks elsewhere of the chaotic, completely nonsensical Topps Fire, but I jumped on it anyway. Splatters, holograms, flippability. All things aside, it came down to one thing: I hadn't purchased cards in a long time and this was something new.

I use the term "new" loosely, as Fire represents an unholy marriage between such classic sets as Circa Thunder and UD-x. Those were classics, right?

Right, of course they were. Let's jump into this blaster. My goals were simple: more Blue Jays than Yankees, some colorful stuff, and that's about it. Maybe this was a hate-rip. I don't even know anymore.

Pack 1:

Ken Griffey Jr.

Johnny Damon

Seung-Hwan Oh

Stephen Strasburg

Roberto Osuna

Carlos Correa /299 Orange somethingorother (1:10)

So...that's a pretty good start. This pack was purchased before Houston's unforgivable ALCS collapse, though...so I'm still kind of mad. Also, if you're going to highlight some of the game's greatest players of all time...maybe avoid their overweight DH phase.

Pack 2:

Matt Olson

Pedro Martinez

Joe Musgrove

Carlos Correa

Jonathan Villar

Wade Boggs - Monikers (Gold, 1:5)

The monikers seem hit-or-miss. Chicken Man is one I've definitely heard, but as we'll see later, they get more obscure. If you squint hard enough, you can almost see Boggsy behind the FIRE logo, "Chicken Man" written in stereotype-style graffiti, and for some reason - bricks. 

Pack 3:

Carl Yastrzemski

Reggie Jackson

Gary Sanchez

Lorenzo Cain

Kenta Maeda

Dan Vogelbach, the other orangesomethingorother (1:4)

There's...nothing worth mentioning here, other than a big shift in Jays: Yankees to 2:1. Yaz represent the FOURTH retired Red Sox within the first three packs, as well. Fun.

Pack 4:

Rob Zastryzny (who?)

Raimel Tapia

Renato Nunez

Wade Davis

Xander Boagerts

Clayton Kershaw Fired Up (Gold, 1:20)

I have no problem with this pack. Three rookies right off the bat, even if only one of them is likely to be in the league five years from now. Another Sox to end the pack isn't terribly inspiring, but the Kershaw is a beaut.

Pack 5:

Jose Canseco (why?)

Dave Winfield

Francisco Lindor 

Zach Britton

Dellin Betances

Billy Hamilton (Green, 1:14)

Is anyone else singing Christmas carols to themself?

Despite the green Hamilton, this was a garbage fire. Two Yankees and a Canseco. You can't get much worse than that. Ratio update: 4:1 in favor of the Evil Empire.

Pack 6:

Eddie Mathews

Aaron Boone (WTF)

Cal Ripken Jr.

Jon Lester

Michael Fulmer

Ricky Henderson Monikers - Gold (again?)

We've reached so deep into the garbage that that super gross water that forms at the bottom is leaving a stink on my fingers that will last for weeks. AARON BOONE?! Come on. 

The Moniker insert here is Rickey Henderson, listed a the "Man of Steal" which I do not remember ever hearing. There must have been a better option than this. 

I picked Eddie Matthews for the lone scan from this pack to illustrate how ridiculous the retired players look on a design like this. An absolute atrocity.

Pack 7:

Tyler Glasnow

Dansby Swanson

Didi Gregorious

Evan Longoria

Yoenis Cespedes

Roberto Osuna (Flame? There's no flames. It's...reddish, though.)

Didi is currently my least-despised Yankee, but he brings the ratio up to 5:2, which is horrifying, but expected. Osuna saves the pack, even if it's the second iteration of Osuna in the box, with no other Ajulejos represented. It was a fair ending.

But overall, yes...this was a hate-rip. What a monstrosity of a product. Legends on glorified holoboard emoji cards? Aaron Boone? Come on. This is the kind of garbage that Topps can keep throwing out there, and the lack of competition on the market means we'll buy it right up. 

Oh, dammit. 

There's another pack. Four exclusive gold minted super ultra mojo boner base cards inside! This is a threat, not a promise.

Clayton Kershaw

Mike Trout

Jeff Hoffmann

Ryne Sandberg

So, there's that. There's very few positives in this product, one of which is the very excellent "Joey Bats" Monikers available and also some Marcus Stromans. Other than that, it's just plain awful.